Who gets to be 'Grandpa'?

By Choosing My Relations?

October 5, 2008

DEAR AMY: My mother insisted for a while that my children call her boyfriend "Grandpa."

I resisted and refused, explaining that only the biological parents will be referred to with grandparent names, and that her boyfriend and my father's wife are to go by their own names.

I have never felt close to her boyfriend or my stepmother, and view them as potentially transient people in my children's lives (i.e. I have no idea how long my parents will actually remain with these people - they don't have a history of stable relationships).

The problem is this: We have some friends who are very dear to us, who are older and act in every way more like grandparents than my parents' significant others. I owe them a lot and would like for my children to call them "Grandpa" and "Grandma" out of respect.

My mother would be completely offended if she witnessed this.

Do you have any possible tactful explanations I could provide to her in this situation?

Am I justified in my reasoning, or should I let no one be called grandpa except for the biological parents?

I should mention that we have a rocky relationship as it is.

CHOOSING MY RELATIONS?

DEAR CHOOSING: According to you, your rule of naming only biological grandparents "Grandpa and grandma" is hard and fast, except when it isn't.

Some cultures have a practice where children call all older people "Auntie," "Uncle," "Grandma" or "Grandpa." You can further refine this by introducing special people in your kids' lives (biologically related or not) as "Grandpa Joe" or "Grandma Jane." Otherwise you could ask people to choose another nickname they might like -- such as "Oma" or "Pop Pop."

If you choose to have a set of unrelated people referred to as "Grandma" and "Grandpa," but refuse this privilege to your mother and father's partners, of course they will be offended, and there is simply no tactful way to avoid this.